Useless Things
Aug10
I never would have thought of using forklifts to secure the doors if I had not consulted with real Wal Mart employees on this part of the story. It never had even occurred to me how useful those things would be, or that they even had them around.
If you were Ken, what items would you try to preserve, and which would be the first to go? I would love to hear your thoughts on the most useless items in a department store. Just let it out. Vent. We can support each other. We live in a world full of useless crap and, yes, we should be grateful for our excess, and we are. But sometimes it feels good to dream of the destruction of all the useless junk that wastes space. First world venting. Let it out.
*Walks up casually with soap box, and places it in front of the crowd. Casually dusts off the box, picks up a bull horn, and stands up to address the mass of consumers.*
Greeting cards are useless pieces of drivel that we’ve been duped into thinking we need. You wanna tell some one how you feel? Then fucking tell them in person, on the phone, via text, or just write something in your own words! Don’t let someone else do the thinking for you. Put something in your own damn words, and deal with the praise or rejection that comes with it.
Every year these stupid pieces of paper get more and more expensive, and don’t even get me started on talking, singing, farting cards that cost more than the downpayment on a house! It’s just another ploy to get you chuckling like a dumb fuck long enough, so you’re already walking out of the store before you realize you just spent 15 bucks on a piece of paper to wish Uncle Jethro, a happy Arbor day.
*Steps off soap box, drops the bull horn, and casually walks away.*
That’s a pretty good point. I wish I had thought of that.
IPA beers?! For shame! (Fort George Vortex IPA from Astoria, OR is my go-to!)
Barf. Bottled barf.
I’m going to build my post-apoc empire upon toilet paper, wet-wipes, and condoms. No one ever thinks to grab them while scrambling for ammo and canned goods.
As for junk? Use all the gossip rags and devotional books that clutter check-out lines and spinner racks as kindling.
Yeah but they don’t take up a lot of space.
Welcome to the Scrapbooking and Art Supplies section of WalMart.
We have a bunch of relatively generic crap that no serious artist would want PLUS shelf after shelf of stickers, googly eyes, pieces of glued together cardboard decorated with glitter and pithy sayings, and some archival quality acid-free paper which, during the Bearpocalypse, is utterly useless.
So, please, use our shelving to preserve your life. It’s our best possible purpose at this point.
Yes, but, if you are trapped in Wal Mart as an artist now the only art supplies you have left on earth are the generic ones they have available so you better cherish those waxy overpriced colored pencils.
Number one useless thing: Find those stupid frogs that chirp when you break the beam as an impromptu alarm system.
You want to keep some paper goods for when the TP used up. The rest of paper goods (especially those overpriced greeting cards) are good for fire starter. Hand towels are good for staunching wounds.
Grab garden stakes for use as, well stakes, in a kill zone, along with flag poles.
Put down pea gravel in some areas so you can hear the bears walk across it.
Oh, regarding the elk-bear. Forgo freezing the bear. Make an European mount with only the skull and the antlers.
Those frogs could come in handy for bear security now that I think about it.
Don’t discount (HA!) the five-dollar DVDs just yet. They would make ideal makeshift shuriken. See also: Shaun of the Dead and the LPs.
Bear flesh is much harder to penetrate than zombie flesh. Sawblades may work.
I would say the majority of the paperbacks could go, but maybe it might be the bearpocaplyse that would teach me to enjoy James Patterson and Daniel Silva.
Also my book came! It and the art are so fantastic! 😀
Nice, thanks for ordering one!
Keep around batteries and gum wrappers, even if the batteries are mostly dead. Gum wrappers, when pressed to the positive and negative side of the battery can quickly start a fire. Fire good, bear bad.
The first thing that would pop into my head is all the Michael Bolton and Celine Dion CD’s. Anything and everything connected to them. Except Titanic. I’d also run over to the back of the store and look into the stock room. There’s always junk back there. Unused junk.
Panel 1: Ken holds out hand in a commanding gesture.
Ken: Destroy it all, Michael Bolton, Celine Dion. We won’t need that crap in the apocalypse.
Panel 2: Wow Mart employees shove shelves of CDs toward the door on fork lifts.
Panel 3: Close up on Ken, he looks horrified.
Ken: STOP DAMN YOU!
Panel 4: Ken gently cradles a stack of CDs.
Ken: Not the Titanic soundtrack.
END SCENE
This scene will be on the next page you post, right?
I would think the closest useless things to the doors would be the check out stands. Who’s going to be paying for things during a Bearmageddon???