Bears spreading their legs into others’ space is taking place on public transport systems all over the world, especially with the sudden and mysterious rise in the bear population. It takes many forms, ranging from a slight invasion of someone else’s personal space, to what ends in a complete public mauling. “Bearspreading” is the now official term, and despite a campaign and tons of nagging and bickering on social media to end it, nobody had been able to do a damn thing to stop bears from sitting however the hell they want to.
Signs reading “Bears…stop the spread” have been rolled out on train and metro carriages across the city as part of an effort to improve bear train etiquette. The signs have been ripped to pieces and soiled with bear excrement. “I don’t know why we wasted money on those signs. Bears can’t read,” said subway operator Juan Costanza.
Regardless of campaigns and hurt feelings, bears haven’t changed the way they sit and in fact have taken to exaggerating their spread whenever possible as if they mean to aggravate the other passenger intentionally. “Real ornery creatures,” commented one passenger who had to sit and try not to breathe in the toxic smell of the bear’s open hind parts all the way from Staten Island to Times Square. Last week, when subway officials tried to confront a nearly 2000 pound grizzly who was bearspreading during the morning rush, several were injured and nine died in the outlash that ensued.
“Our official policy is to just leave the bears alone from now on. We can’t afford to keep losing people over this,” said NY subway CEO Marvin Finklehearst. “If you don’t like the exposed bear groins, don’t ride the subway.”
Graphic Video Depicts Horn Band Being Mauled by Bears
Who knew bears despised trombone music so much?
In this graphic video (which has been banned and deleted from the internet) these five musicians manage to attract an entire sleuth of bears who maul them and devour them, then tear their instruments to pieces, then eat them piece by piece. At one point in the video a bear can be seen collecting the soupy remains of one of the musician into the bell of the tuba, then blowing into it, showering the other bears in blood. For obvious reasons, the video is no longer available.
The same group had been recorded playing for cows earlier in the week. The cows enjoyed the music much more than the bears. According to the distraught manager of the band, they wanted to step it up a notch. “The bears were a bad idea. We now realize that,” he lamented.
Sorry guys, tough crowd I guess.
Vermont senator ends campaign, lets a bear take over, sees significant surge in polls
By Ethan Nicolle
July 15, 2016 12:45 p.m. PT
VERMONT—In an unprecedented turn of events, Democratic Sen. Bernie Sanders is seeing a massive surge of support after ending his campaign, endorsing Hillary Clinton, and then allowing a bear to take his place. The bear, who goes by the name Bearnie Sanders, immediately relaunched the Sanders campaign for the presidency and was met with universal support across party lines for its aggressive, no-nonsense policy of devouring anyone who got in its way.
In the week since Sanders made this change, Bearnie Sanders drew nearly $105,000,000,000 from grassroots online donations. That was about four times his human counterpart raised in the first quarter of his campaign, and almost $10,000,000,000 more than Mrs. Clinton raised over the same period. The spike in support came when Bearnie Sanders said he would eat Isis, and announced that salmon and honey were a basic human right, and that nobody who slept for six months out of the year should be hungry.Mrs. Clinton’s campaign didn’t respond to a request for comment on Tuesday.
Gregory Dalton, a 33-year-old hunter, said Mr. Sanders’s message resonates with him. “That bear’s serious. Don’t mess with an animal like that,” Dalton said, who added that bears can run as fast as horses and even if shot in the heart can still remain alive for up to twenty minutes.
Members of the press have been warned to carry bear spray at all times, though others have warned bear spray doesn’t work, it will only anger Bearnie more and incite him to kill quicker. Other warnings have gone out to lay down and put your hands over head if attacked, but others say it is better to run. Despite these dangers, the ursine candidate has experienced universal support, especially when compared to its alternatives. “Trump, Hillary, or a bear? I’ll take a bear every time,” said one voter.
The 1500 pound grizzly bear was asked if hibernation would pose a problem if he were to become president. The journalist who posed the question was eaten and an answer was never offered. In fact, one of the the most unique things about Bearnie Sanders is that without giving one single speech he has garnered such widespread support. Some speculate it is a refreshing change from the back and forth bickering and repetitive nature of political banter. “That bear doesn’t need to talk. You look at it and you know what he’s about,” said software engineer Douglas Stewart. “He just wants to eat a salmon and mind his own business.”
Only time will tell if Bearnie Sanders can defeat Hillary and then Trump for the presidency. Political strategists are optimistic. “He’ll probably eat them both, which will give him a distinct advantage,” said campaign strategist David Axeldorf. “That’s the kind of change this nation wants, and frankly I feel the bearn.”
San Diego, CA (BMGDN) — San Diego Zoo officials confirmed the zoo was placed on lock down moments after the new bearboon exhibit was opened. The raging hybrids breached their enclosure Saturday, maiming hundreds and killing at least ninety seven people. Many zoo animals were killed as well, including three hippos, all of the flamingos, and famed elephant TV star, Quentin Snuffly, best known for her role in car insurance commercials.
The zoo says the seven bearboons got out around 10:15am. Officials attempted to use sleeping darts to subdue the creatures, but the animals quickly stole the weapons and turned them on their captors. “I still can’t believe they actually killed three hippos” said one witness.
The main zoo remained on lockdown until zoo staff could secure the bearboons, which still hasn’t happened. “We may just have to cut our losses and bomb the zoo,” said zoo CEO Jonathan Donaldsmith.
The San Diego Zoo released the following statement.
“At approximately 10:15 a.m., our new bearboons breached their exhibit containment in the Zoo and gained access to Zoo grounds. The Zoo called for immediate lockdown of the Zoo which is our normal protocol. All surviving guests were moved to safety during the lockdown procedure. The Zoo’s Emergency Response Team went into immediate action to assess the situation, formulated a plan to tranquilize and secured the animal, then were killed. At approximately 11:30 a.m. we gave up all hope, locked ourselves out of the zoo, and now all we can do is stand outside and listen to the demonic screeches of the bearboons as they tear every animal limb from limb. The decision to combine baboon and bear DNA will be reviewed and the person responsible will be fired, if they are still alive. We will provide more details as they become available.”
UPDATE: The zoo is going to be bombed.
Bearsplaining is a portmanteau of the words bear and explaining, defined as “to explain something to someone, typically a bear to a human, in a manner regarded as homicidal or eviscerating.” It can also be defined as “explaining without the use of words. You just kill someone and eat them”. One author and essayist ascribes the phenomenon to a combination of “being a really big ass bear and not wanting to listen to your crap.”
Due to its sepcies-specific reference to “bear”, this term has been referred to by some critics as inherently horrifying.
Bearsplaining covers a violent mixture of mannerisms in which a bear’s reduced respect for the stance of a listener, often human, appears to have little reason behind it other than the bear’s assumption that the listener or subject, being not a bear, should die instantly. It also covers situations in which it appears a bear is using a conversation primarily for the purpose of eating someone.
Some experts believe the consequences of this ursine behavior has the effect in creating a conspiracy of silence and disempowerment, because it kills people. Humans, including professionals and experts, are routinely seen or treated as less credible than bears, and their insights or even legal testimony are dismissed, and then they are slain. This is one symptom of a widespread phenomenon that keeps humans from speaking up and from being heard when they dare; that crushes humans into silence by indicating that this is not their world, it belongs to bears. It trains people in self-doubt and self-limitation, horror, bad dreams and involuntary bedwetting, just as it exercises bears’ hunger for human flesh and world domination.
Bearsplaining differs somewhat from other forms of condescension in that it ends in death and is specifically bear-related, rooted in an ursine assumption that a bear will normally be more powerful, and will eat you so you will shut up.
In a new study Scientists have discovered a way to reveal the images that pass through a bear’s mind during hibernation.
Previously, hibernation was believed to be a continuous dormancy with distinct decreases in heart rate and metabolic rate, during which bears use up to 4,000 kcal per day, mainly body fat, but do not eat, drink, urinate, or defecate. They can reduce oxygen consumption and metabolic rate by half and breathe only once every 45 seconds. Heart rate can drop periodically to 8-21 beats per minute, and blood flow to skeletal muscle, particularly the legs, can be reduced by 45% or more.
But new studies have revealed that the bear is not sleeping, it is in a deep concentration state for 6-7 months playing images of horror, suffering, world domination and salmon over and over in its mind. On occasion the bears also think about honey.
What else will scientists learn about these mysterious and fascinating creatures?
I am looking for an assistant. Not someone who follows me around and brings me coffee all day, though that would be nice, but a virtual assistant. I need someone who likes Bearmageddon, knows it, has a good command of the English language, social media, basic stuff that could come in handy in helping me work to push Bearmageddon out to people who have not heard of it.
This would be a simple, intern-type job. I would be willing to pay for it, but I couldn’t pay much, but I would only want a few hours of work per week.
Tasks could include things such as…
- Researching to find sites and groups that might take an interest in Bearmageddon
- Helping with campaigns to raise more money on Patreon
- Contacting and responding to people on my behalf
- Posting to my social media accounts
- Helping me brainstorm new ideas for the web site and the Patreon page
- And stuff like that.
Attributes that will help your cause: Knowledge of the web comics community and pop culture, being friendly and intelligent sounding, big plus if you live near the Inland Empire in So Cal because then we can have meetings, some knowledge of writing with Final Draft would be a plus.
So, if you have free time and this kind of thing sounds like something you would be interested in doing, write me an email and explain to me why you think you fit the bill. Thanks in advance to any of you who take the time to write. I will only be choosing one virtual assistant for now. If you think you are the one for the job, email me.
It has been a long held, but forgotten tradition of Bearmageddon, to give minor characters from the background their own bio on the Characters page. So, after a long while, here are three new ones.
Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy
Known as “Chaz” to his friends, Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy is the son of a wealthy pencil eraser baron. His father made millions when he licensed the use of the famous 80’s cartoon character Marshmallow McGee into an eraser, and for three years the erasers became as popular as Troll dolls. Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy had been trying to strike gold in the same way, licensing Curly the Fry as an even cheaper version of a slinky, Gummy the Bearcat as a bar of soap and King Toasty as a pad of sticky notes. All failed and cost the family hundreds of thousands of dollars. To get his mind off his troubles, Chaz plays badminton, watches female UFC fights and goes on rides across the bridge with his friends.
Dalton was really good at pogo sticks and was climbing the ladder of the pogo stick underworld when a bear tragically and suddenly robbed him of his life, and his future as the most recognized pogo-stickist in the world. He probably could escape had his pogo stick not been in the shop getting a tune up on the very day the bears took over.
Seth, the Bitter Bicyclist
Seth had just been staring down a guy who was walking casually in the bike lane, picking his nose and talking on his cell phone as if it were a sidewalk, looking off at the trees and not paying Seth any mind. Seth was staring into this man with the red hot hate of a thousand demons, imagining his family weeping at his closed casket funeral, their cries in the pits of hades for their son’s breech of the social contract between bicyclists and pedestrians to stay on the sidewalk and not use the bike lane as their own personal zombie/dufus/nose picking/chitter chatter cellphone/walking trail. Seth was considering teaching this man a lesson and riding directly into him. Seth could suffer a few broken bones, road rash, a bent tire. Anything to make an example of this scofflaw and his complete disregard for HIS lane and the clearly painted white line. Seth pedaled faster. He was going to do it. He was going to, but then he got eaten by a bear.
Read more stupid character bios here.