From the creator of Axe Cop. Bearmageddon follows a group of slackers as the world is being taken over by bears.
Many American cities have struggled with the recent news that Bearmageddon is coming and the rise in bear attacks is only a light preview of the carnage that is in store for us all. Some have fled, others have put up walls, but the town of Slone, WA has takes a unique approach. They posted a sign at the city entrance declaring their territory a “bear free zone”. When asked if they thought bears would obey such a sign, Slone mayor Juliana Kurtz had this to say: “Yes”.
Time will tell if the signs are effective.
UPDATE: Nope. A memorial service for the entire town of Slone will be announced on Wednesday.
After forcing themselves into every olympic event, bears have become the first non-human faction to compete, and dominate the 2016 Olympic games. It started on day one with archery, of all sports. The events began as they had any other year until seventy-three bears charged onto the range and attacked everyone. With all of their competition either dead or fleeing in horror, the bears won by default.
At first, Olympic authorities refused to accept the bears as part of the games, but when shooting, rowing, volleyball and swimming events were all taken over by bears, the pressure was on event officials to change the rulebooks, especially with the bears’ growing popularity as a team. Eventually they caved (no pun intended) and made the bears an official olympic team.
Even though it is clear that the bears will definitely win every event from here on out including ice skating, the games remain a thrill to watch. “We’d been looking for ways to spice up the games. Who knew how much better the Olympics could be with bears all over it?” remarked Olympics event chief event coordinator Shari Johar. Fans are eager to see events such as bobsledding, wrestling and fencing. All events spectators expect the bears to shine.
With the new team comes the possibility of holding the next Olympic games in Bear Country, which is now being seriously considered. “Salmon catching could be just one of the new events,” suggested Johar. “I say we embrace this bear thing. They’re going to kill us all anyway.”
In an effort to forge the path to a new era of firearm policy, a small town in Oregon mandated that all firearms be outlawed, and that bears be used as personal safety devices or crime deterrent. “This really solves two problems for us: gun law reform, and wildlife protection,” the sheriff of the remote town of Fern Rock had said last Wednesday during a press conference at the dawn of this innovative new mandate. The population of Fern Rock on that day was 3,572.
On the day that will now be remembered as “the day they released the bears,” the initial results were encouraging. The crime level dropped rapidly, much faster than under any other policy in history. But experts say that is because both criminals and law abiding citizens were running for their lives from the influx of bears. Twenty-four hours later, the population of Fern Rock had declined to zero, the lowest number on record for any American city, and the lowest in Fern Rock since before it was founded. No bystanders are on hand to offer comment currently from Fern Rock itself, but the citizens of the nearby town of Redwood Elms had plenty to say.
“I saw the press conference on TV. And then I turned off the TV. And then like two minutes later I started hearing just a wave of terrified screams and growling from the direction of that town,” Redwood Elms citizen Dirk Whittier told reporters.
When asked why none of the town went to help, many said they did, but the clear “NO GUNS JUST BEARS” signs surrounding the town kept them out, since all they had were guns.
Recovered security camera footage may show one example of how the sheriff’s “Right to Bear Bears” intiative went so wrong. During a liquor store robbery, law enforcement officers can be seen pulling up outside in a large van. After opening the back of their van, a large bear can be seen charging through the plate glass entrance of the store and then quickly mauling the liquor store attendant first, the gun-toting thief second, and then turning around and promptly chasing two panicking law enforcement officials down the street.
When asked about plans for recovery of the town of Fern Rock, congressman Burt Jurgens reportedly refused to comment, saying that all record of Fern Rock was being erased from Oregon’s history. “We will not speak of Fern Rock,” said a message left ominously on our voicemail.
BEECHWICK, WA — Despite the brand new installation of a “bear crossing” sign along highway 109 near the small town of Beechwick, motorists continue to drive right past it and straight to their death.
Not one car has survived and very few have chosen to stop and turn around the moment they see the sign, which clearly warns them of what is to come. “What part of bear do they not understand?” questioned Buck Squinty, commissioner of Beechwick’s Office of Emergency Management. The answer to that remains unclear.
“The sign is there because there are bears out there and people need to know what they’re getting themselves into. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve done our job,” said OEM Vice Chairmen Saundra Holmstead, throwing up her hands in frustration. “They’re probably texting.”
Funds for the sign were raised after beloved local Shriner clown Merl Wilkerson, also known as “Fergie D. Boudit” drove his miniature car in the area and was never seen again. “Everyone loved that clown,” said citizen Marla Snodgrass. “He always passed out nut zippers at the Veteran’s Day Parade despite his ongoing battle with gout.” To honor Wilkerson, many had gone to place flowers and clown paraphernalia where one of his little wheels had been laying. None returned. Others went to the same place to lay down memorials for those who had gone to remember Wilkerson and they, too were never heard from again. The local wildlife department went to investigate the spate of disappearances and they too went missing.
It wasn’t until months later that someone online noticed a satellite image of that stretch of road on Google Earth was covered in bears, bloodstains and the husks of vehicles. It was further discovered that the next town up highway 109, Greengill Hollow was completely decimated with no signs of any survivor whatsoever.
“A day later that portion of Google Earth was blacked out and I got a call from someone real high up the federal food chain,” Squinty said. “Do something about. That’s what they told me.”
In light of this, the OEM of Beechwick held a meeting and raised funds to have the sign installed last month. Despite it’s reflective surface, bright yellow color and bold, all caps block lettering, most cars still drive right past it as if it were a bush, or a small bird.
Squinty urged residents to stay safe and to hire a helicopter or drive the extra three hours the other direction to take a plane wherever you need to go. “A bear’s just an animal you don’t want to mess with,” he added. “They’re nasty things.”
If the mishaps persist, the city has flirted with the addition of a blinking yellow light on top of the sign. But that decision won’t be finalized until the next quarterly meeting takes a vote and funds are raised, which could take another year or two.
Officials strongly recommend not driving past the sign, no matter what, even though everyone will anyway.
In what was intended to be one of the most touching reunions in the history of the internet, ursine biologists Eric Bagadoni and Ryan Anscum returned to the forest to seek out Hans, the grizzly bear they raised from a cub and released back into the wild three years prior. “We realize he is full grown now and could devour us in seconds,” said Anscum, “but just the chance that he will pounce on us in a loving embrace is worth the risk.” Bagadoni nodded in agreement, too choked up to speak.
At about 3:22 p.m. on Sunday the men spotted Hans in a clearing. They spoke softly to the bear who looked at them at first with confusion, then began to run at them. One witness described the scene saying, “the bear seemed confused, like, why are these two men inviting me to attack them?” The men stood with arms outspread, tears streaming down their faces, singing a song they used to sing Hans when he was a cub “fuzzy wuzzy was a bear”. But moments before it was apparent the bear was going to devour the men they turned and attempted an escape. Unfortunately they were too slow and Hans devoured both of them.
“We can’t say we’re completely surprised,” said lead camera man Scott Gatto, “that’s why we used high powered zoom lenses.”
Two skydivers died in a routine jump on Thursday in Oregon after their parachute turned out to be a bear, authorities said.
The accident took place near Roseburg, Oregon. Both were highly experienced and had never had a bear deploy from their parachute pack before.
Frank Klaus, owner of Droptown Parachute Land, told reporters that the two possessed a combined experience of 900 jumps.
Local police said that the moment the cord was pulled, a bear released. “We don’t know how long it had been in there, or how it survived,” one officer on the scene said. “But it was very hungry. It began eating the skydivers mid-plummet.”
“The cause of death was being eaten by a bear. They never even reached the ground,” Klaus told Oregon television station KPDK.
Experts say wind and other conditions were “perfect” when they made their jump. Other skydivers continued their jumps at the center after the incident, but examined ther parachutes closely to make sure none of them contained bears.
The Federal Aviation and Ursine Administrations are conducting joint investigations. With bear incidents on the rise, this is just another unfortunate occurrence in the ursine war on mankind.
Outfitting bears with body cameras started as a policy created in the hope of reducing bear violence. Advocates felt that if the bears knew their actions would be recorded, they might not go around slaying thousands of people every day. But adding the devices has had disastrous effects and has not lowered bear brutality in any perceivable way.
Even worse, every time a technician attempts to place a camera on a bear they are killed. This has actually increased the overall death rate. Recently, robots have been used to outfit the bears with the devices, but those are destroyed by the bears as well and costs billions of dollars to replace. Trying to retrieve the cameras back off of the bears has proven even more difficult and so far, no one has dared try.
The videos that have been retrieved wirelessly are largely useless because the lens is covered in filth or blood almost instantly.
The foundation for reducing bear violence, who headed the initiative to put body cameras on bears, has admitted defeat now that an official study shows that the expensive undertaking hasn’t helped anyone at all. “I wanted to believe in a world where bears possessed some sense of shame,” said founder Mark Drechsel. “I believed in that world once, but those days are over now.”
Creature commissioned by billionaire for big game hunt kills all and is now at large
By Ethan Nicolle
August 1, 2016 9:45 a.m. PT
MONTANA—A billionaire paid scientists to combine the DNA of a wild boar and a grizzly bear to create the ulimate big game hunt. “The money would have done so much for our school,” said one scientist. All involved wished to remain unnamed. “But it was a mistake. We knew that the moment the thing started breathing and trying to kill everyone.”
The scientists were not willing to go into details about how they created the hybrid and have since burned the lab to the ground and gone into witness protection, quitting science forever. The creature itself went wild from the moment it breathed its first breath. They released the creature into a 300 acre property, surrounded by electric fences, where the billionaire client led a hunting party to hunt and kill the beast. But that isn’t what happened.
“Everybody died,” the scientist claims. The grizzly boar charge through the grounds and impaled the rich hunters, one after the other, on its sharp tusks. Though it was shot a few times, the creature seemed to have no problem absorbing bullets.
It also had no issue with being electrocuted. When the hybrid found the electric fence, it ripped posts up with its tusks and escaped. The animal remains at large and is being pursued at a very safe distance.
A 1,892 lb grizzly bear was set to be euthanized again onWednesday, days after it killed an entire department of police officers who attempted to shoot it after it killed the last rangers who were trying to euthanize it for killing several campers in the Angelica National Forest above Altadente, officials said. But the small army of rangers who were assigned the task of euthanizing the bear this time were also slain as soon as they tried. The bear’s known body count is now 73.
The bear was found about 12 hours after a string of campground attacks last Saturday, and was walking casually, leaving a trail of blood and entrails south of Millgard Campground said Chuck Dinkler spokesman for the Department of Fish and Wildlife.
Fish and Wildlife officials shot tranquilizers into the bear and took it to a nearby facility, where authorities worked to determine whether it was the same ursine that killed nearly 40 campers.
Biologists took saliva, feces, hair and fiber samples from the bear and compared those with evidence collected at the campsites, he said. The department’s Wildlife Forensics Laboratory works to identify bears involved in human attacks by sampling their saliva and hair left at the scene.
Because the nearly 5-year-old bear killed campers, Fish and Wildlife officials decided to euthanize the animal based on the risk posed to public safety.
But the moment they attempted to euthanize the bear, it tore free from the operating table and killed everyone in the building, then escaped. The police were called, but every officer sent to the scene, even though in large numbers, were also slain as they attempted to chase the bear through the forest.
“At one point the bear had come out onto highway 7 and was being pursued by six police vehicles,” said Sergeant Morin of the Altadente police department. “But when one of the cruisers tried to ram the bear, the vehicle flipped and caused a pile up. The bear ate everyone.”
With no police left in the area, 19 rangers from out of state who specialized in animal euthanizations were brought in on a bus. The team was dispatched into the forest Wednesday and their remains were found Thursday morning.
“It was bad luck for the rangers and bad luck for the boys in blue,” he said. “And then also bad luck for the other rangers.”
According to the Fish and Wildlife Department, “habituated bears are not candidates for moving and shall either be humanely euthanized or placed with a permitted animal care facility upon failure of the corrective measures.” The grizzly who has yet to be euthanized was deemed unfit to be placed in animal care early in the investigation. Officials said the public-safety risk was incredibly high and that euthanization was the only option. Despite losing several rangers, Fish and Wildlife says they will continue their attempts to euthanize the creature.
The decision has not been made about who will be sent next. “Whoever we send next will probably die too,” said Dinkler, “that’s just the risk that comes with the job.”
Bears spreading their legs into others’ space is taking place on public transport systems all over the world, especially with the sudden and mysterious rise in the bear population. It takes many forms, ranging from a slight invasion of someone else’s personal space, to what ends in a complete public mauling. “Bearspreading” is the now official term, and despite a campaign and tons of nagging and bickering on social media to end it, nobody had been able to do a damn thing to stop bears from sitting however the hell they want to.
Signs reading “Bears…stop the spread” have been rolled out on train and metro carriages across the city as part of an effort to improve bear train etiquette. The signs have been ripped to pieces and soiled with bear excrement. “I don’t know why we wasted money on those signs. Bears can’t read,” said subway operator Juan Costanza.
Regardless of campaigns and hurt feelings, bears haven’t changed the way they sit and in fact have taken to exaggerating their spread whenever possible as if they mean to aggravate the other passenger intentionally. “Real ornery creatures,” commented one passenger who had to sit and try not to breathe in the toxic smell of the bear’s open hind parts all the way from Staten Island to Times Square. Last week, when subway officials tried to confront a nearly 2000 pound grizzly who was bearspreading during the morning rush, several were injured and nine died in the outlash that ensued.
“Our official policy is to just leave the bears alone from now on. We can’t afford to keep losing people over this,” said NY subway CEO Marvin Finklehearst. “If you don’t like the exposed bear groins, don’t ride the subway.”