Bearmageddon

 

	Joel Morely Joel is a 22 year old who not only had no plans for his life, he resents the idea that he has to make any plans for his life. Constantly at odds with his own Dad who is pushing him to become a man, Joel’s main want is not knowing what he wants other than to play video games with his little brother and hang out with his friends. He lives with his father and 11 year old brother and works at Wow Mart. He hates his job.
	Mark Morely Joel’s Dad, Mark is an ex-marine who now makes his living as a veterinarian. His wife left the family when he was overseas and he has taken care of them himself ever since. Mark is very strict and wants to raise his sons to be self-sufficient hard workers. He decides to kick Joel out when Joel continues to miss rent payments.
	Louis Morely Louis is Joel’s 11 year old brother. He looks up to Joel, and Joel cares about Louis more than anything in the world.
	Jeremy “Gogs” Chandler Gogs is Joel’s best friend. He considers himself very hardcore. He likes body piercing and Praying Mantis Kung Fu. He also gets obsessed with topics like what animal could defeat what other animal in a fight, and various objects a human being could break with their fist. He likes to pretend to be tough, but the only real battleground he has ever been on is in video games.
	Burton Diggs Stoner. Like most stoners, Burton is useless for much else then an occasional laugh. He lives for weed, on weed, and makes a living selling weed. His main ambition is simply to get stoned. His aunt left him a good inheritance, including a house, making him needless of many other things besides getting high and having friends over.
	Nigel Coleman Nigel used to work at Wow Mart with Joel and Gogs. He up and quit one day and became very inspired by the world of environmentalism and nature. The movie “Into the Woods” inspired him to ditch society and live in the woods, though he never actually saw the ending. His desire to defend the forest and become “one with nature” drive him to make increasingly irrational decisions.
	Besser Besser is a good ol’ boy who works in the sporting good section of Wow Mart. He knows how to shoot a gun and drive a truck, and he’s always willing to give a helping hand.
	Ken Ken is the senior manager at Wow Mart. He takes his job seriously and sees himself as a sort of emperor in his own little world. He is also very proud of his mustache.
	Dr. Medved Little is known of Dr. Wilson Medved other than that he had a hand in some bear experimentation 30 years ago that, until now, people thought had ceased when he was shut down by the government.
	Andrea Merz Andrea comes from a committed Mormon family who she has been on bad terms with ever since she broke off her engagement and renounced her faith. She passionately pursued environmentalism and animal rights because it makes more sense to her than the moral issues of the church which she feels are trivial and oppressive at times. She isn’t quite sure where she stands any more when it comes to faith, but she hates religion and prefers personal spirituality.
	Keller Keller befriended Andrea when they both met at a Heal the Forest summer event. Her real name is Raquel Rosalina Maria Santos Rodriguez Rene Angelina Garcia. She goes by the nickname “Keller” as a spin-off of “Raquel” which is a name she does not really like. Keller’s diet and body piercings change about as often as her hair color. She is a sweet girl with a heart of gold but rarely feels comfortable in her own skin. Currently attempting a specific type of vegan diet, one side effect is that she smells like turnips. This is actually an improvement from a Tuvan diet she tried a while back that had her smelling like sulfur and cabbage. Keller enjoys electronica, pop punk and thrash metal publicly and in private she really likes John Denver (but who doesn’t privately?). She doesn’t have strong consistent opinions, but sometimes she takes on the strong opinions of lead singers of punk bands she admires because it feels better to have something to get passionate about once in a while.
	Dickinson Killdeer Little is known about Dickinson Killdeer at this point except that he is exceptionally good at fighting bears, growing body hair, and going “RraaAAHH!!”.

	Teddy Teddy was Dr. Medved’s experimental test subject in what was named “the Ruxpin Project”. Medved created a special machine that, when wired to a bear’s brains, could translate its thoughts into a robotic Stephen Hawking style voice.
	Octobear The carcass of a dead octobear was found in the city sewers. Little is known about it other than that it is a grizzly bear with octopus tentacles.
	Grizzly Bear Normal grizzly bears have risen in number and sightings have been occurring at a more rapid rate in recent times. They don’t have any enhanced abilities outside of being a normal grizzly bear. Their intelligence is also not enhanced, as you can see, this one ran face first into a bus and died.

	Hank & Jimmy Hank and Jimmy have been working for the city for almost ten years now. They both love pizza, beer and watching wrestling on TV. Hank helped Jimmy remove his cat from the tail pipe of his F-150. He has no idea how it got in there…it died. Hank is on his 3rd wife, Jimmy is on his first. Jimmy’s wife is named Shawnte, and she loves tweeting about Justin Beiber. Hank’s wife is named Jesse and she has a tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil above her left butt cheek. Hank has a son who is in prison, and Jimmy has a daughter on the way. Jimmy’s wife was adamant the new baby girl be named “Ladynasty”, a name she proudly invented herself. The name is pronounced “La-Dynasty” but Jimmy constantly argues people will think her name is “Lady Nasty”.
	Melba Melba has an obnoxious pain in her left ankle that makes it hard to go up and down stairs. She loves any film with Walter Matthau in it and she has a small dog named Mitzy that hasn’t peed for about two weeks and she hasn’t been able to figure out why (it’s because Mitsy keep getting into Melba’s prescription hemorrhoid cream and eating it. Mitsy will die soon and Melba will get a wiener dog and name it Shizzle because she has no idea what that means in slang.). Melba is married to a man named Frank who is a man of very few words but he likes to smoke prescription weed and watch Hannity and O’Reilly on Fox News. Both live in a mobile home that has the distinct smell of meatloaf, sweat and medicine.
	Shouting Redneck The shouting redneck listens to Jerry Reed and drives exactly 7 miles over the speed limit. He has a hunting and fishing license and 12 rusted out vehicles in his yard. He has a small gun on his belt buckle that shoots one bullet “just in case”, but he has to lift his gut to get to it. Sadly, his wife has passed and he mainly lives on beef jerky, elk, trout and Coors. He secretly has an obsession with Sex in the City and when alone, tears up easily. He loves kittens.
	Dude Getting Out of His Car The Dude Getting Out of His Car was on his way to return his 3 DVDs to Blockbuster so he could get 3 more. He does this on a daily basis because he burns them all before watching them. He has a massive collection of burned movies, half of them were improperly burned so that they have the wrong audio (for instance, random episodes of “the Sopranos” are in French) and others just freeze up at random moments and won’t play. He has all of the DVDs filed in shoe boxes marked by genre. Genres include Western, Action, Kids, Romance, and Seagal.
	Chuckles Chuckles escaped his owner’s home when he was 3 days old. Being the size of a rat, he found himself blending in with the sewer rats of his area and learning their ways. One night, he and all of the rats ganged up on a pig and killed it. It was a big pig. Because he soon outgrew the other rats, Chuckles was soon made leader of the rat pack and ruled the underground of the streets for over two years. During that time he led three invasions of a pizza restaurant, 12 attacks on rival rat gangs, and 232 attacks on sleeping hobos. During an evening heist of a buffet restaurant, Chuckles was caught by animal control and taken to the pound, where he was taken into the care of an elder woman named Margaret. Margaret gave Chuckles his name and regularly dresses him in pink ribbons. She remains unaware that Chuckles has murdered local crows and pigeons on multiple occasions and has stuffed all of their corpses under her defunct Volvo. Chuckles also is literally possessed by at least 13 demons and if his barking could be translated to English he would mainly be saying “We are Legion for we are many” and stuff like that.
	Cody Cody was raised by wolves, then when he was 13 he was picked up by a WWF Wrestler and learned the ways of Americal Professional Wrestling. When the Animalpocalypse broke out, Cody and his friend Bart were called upon by the government to fight the entire animal kingdom and defeat it, all of it, using suplexes, punches, clotheslines and haymakers.
	Bart Similar to Cody, Bart was raised by badgers, and then after his family of badgers was killed by a tractor he moved in with a family of wild boars. Bart drank the blood of an eagle and that is how he became an amazing fighter. He was discovered by government operatives who called upon him and Cody to save the world when the animals decided to rebel against mankind. Bart does not cut his hair into a mullet, it grows that way naturally.
	Dude With a Van This guy has a van that is overdue on payments, and he is constantly avoiding a repo man named DJ Paul (the Repo man is also a DJ at a local dance club called “All Dat”, and his name is Paul). The van is well lived in and contains one giant jug that is completely filled with urine. Over time it has gone from misty yellow, to orange, to deep red, to rusty brown. It has become so discolored it now looks more like motor oil than urine. He can’t bring himself to throw it away because he wants to see what color or form of liquid it changes to next. He smokes cloves and listens to Primus. He also secretly has a crush on Anne Coulter but is terrified his friends will find out and burn him one night while he is asleep in his van.
	Jack Jack the tree boss eats meat with every meal and drinks three large mugs of black coffee every day. He wanted to be a police officer when he was younger but could never pass the physical examination. He owns a flute, and he tries to play it in secret quite often. He carries the flute in the back of his pickup truck and has been known to use it for self defense. He has a recurring dream about being a cop, and having a brother who is also a cop, with an axe, and a pet dinosaur. It is his favorite dream.
	Stupid Hat Guy Stupid Hat Guy takes a lot of pride in the stupid hats he finds at second hand stores. When he was 14 he tried to bleach his hair and dye it purple and he totally messed it up, so he wore one of his deceased Grandfather’s old hats. He didn’t even realize how retro and cool it would end up being. This was the dawn of his new embrace of being retro. He bought an Atari, a phonograph and a monocle the next day.
	Smelly Hippy The smelly hippy got his hair put in dreads from a homeless Jamaican guy who traded him for one of his Mountain bikes. Smelly Hippy, despite his appearance, is actually the son of a successful attorney named Frank McNutterson. After getting his car, college tuition and insurance paid for he just couldn’t take it any more. He was sick of his Dad’s corporate ways. He decided to become homeless which meant mainly sleeping on friends couches. He rarely showers, so his body takes on a range of smells from old Frito smell to rotten cucumber and hummus smell.
	Steve Steve is an expert when it comes to baking cookies.
	Ninja Bacon Hipster Ninja Bacon Hipser works at a used book store called “Busted Spines” that sells indie comics and old picture books that have cool black and white photos of people smoking and looking away from the camera or sitting alone in an alley with their face in their hands. He considers himself a real web comics aficionado. His favorites include Tally Ho, a Rapscallion!, Kung Fu Gynecologist, Hacksaw Pajamas, Officer Hatchet and X29Z.5. He has his own blog called “Wow…just…WOW” where he says “Wow…just… WOW” in every context imaginable about stuff. Also, his shirt has a piece of ninja bacon on it and he uses egg yolk to get his mustache to twirl up like that.
	Bullhorn Hipster Bullhorn hipster loves bands where the lead vocalist sings even more obnoxiously than Bono from U2 with nasal blockage. He prefers the dorsal fin hairstyle because when he rides his bike it doesn’t get messed up, it just helps with aerodynamics. Nobody knows it but those glasses aren’t even real.
	Bradley the Keytar Player Bradley started out on the cello, then he switched to the double bass as he grew taller. He has perfect pitch, but also a terrible sense of rhythm. Still, he’s the stable leader of the bass section in the local amateur community orchestra. In High school he joined some friends forming an electro-punk-ska band called Borborygmus, although he prefers the more intricate bass lines of the Tchaikovsky symphonies. They had more names than the number of songs they played, including Last Tuesday, B*O*O*M, Thai Machine, Insert Band Name Here, Up Your Nose, After the Bomb and Evil Armadilloz. Once he left for college he met a guy who knew a guy who started a band with a girl he had a crush on called Sexy Ester. They needed a keytar player, and Bradley needed an outlet, so he went ahead and joined up.
	Gordon Gordon is an electrician from Gothenburg, Sweden. He set aside cash to go visit the States to see if everything really was like it is in the movies. Gordon has a girlfriend, Annette, back in Sweden, as well as two goldfish named Egg and Bacon. At the moment he’s unaware that Anette, a little upset after a fight they had before he left, did not feed the the fish and now she is at the PetSmart with their corpses trying to find matches so Gordon will never know Egg and Bacon passed on when he returns home.

	Wavy Blonde-Haired Turtleneck Guy Known as “Chaz” to his friends, Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy is the son of a wealthy pencil eraser baron. His father made millions when he licensed the use of the famous 80’s cartoon character Marshmallow McGee into an eraser, and for three years the erasers became as popular as Troll dolls. Wavy Blonde-haired Turtleneck Guy had been trying to strike gold in the same way, licensing Curly the Fry as an even cheaper version of a slinky, Gummy the Bearcat as a bar of soap and King Toasty as a pad of sticky notes. All failed and cost the family hundreds of thousands of dollars. To get his mind off his troubles, Chaz plays badminton, watches female UFC fights and goes on rides across the bridge with his friends. One day he was doing that, and then he died because there was a bear on his roof.
	Dalton Dalton was really good at pogo sticks and was climbing the ladder of the pogo stick underworld when a bear tragically and suddenly robbed him of his life, and his future as the most recognized pogo-stickist in the world. He probably could escape had his pogo stick not been in the shop getting a tune up on the very day the bears took over.
	Seth the Bitter Bicyclist Seth had just been staring down a guy who was walking casually in the bike lane, picking his nose and talking on his cell phone as if it were a sidewalk, looking off at the trees and not paying Seth any mind. Seth was staring into this man with the red hot hate of a thousand demons, imagining his family weeping at his closed casket funeral, their cries in the pits of hades for their son’s breech of the social contract between bicyclists and pedestrians to stay on the sidewalk and not use the bike lane as their own personal zombie/dufus/nose picking/chitter chatter cellphone/walking trail. Seth was considering teaching this man a lesson and riding directly into him. Seth could suffer a few broken bones, road rash, a bent tire. Anything to make an example of this scofflaw and his complete disregard for HIS lane and the clearly painted white line. Seth pedaled faster. He was going to do it. He was going to, but then he got eaten by a bear.

 

This page is updated totally at random.